You Need Two Things to Say "No" Well
Words and Wisdom
How often do you agree to something when you already have too much on your plate or your heart’s not fully in it—and then regret it?
A few people are a little too good at saying no, and their lives may be poorer as a result. But for most of us, including me, our sense of duty and good manners makes a diplomatic “no” so guilt-ridden that we say yes to things around which we should be navigating a country mile in a hazmat suit. (And let’s acknowledge that we make this harder for women.)
This poses a risk to those of us who do our work because we care about it—and to our work. We can end up distracted from what matters, overworked, and burnt out. Saying no is often the more responsible thing to do: worse than a “no” for everyone involved is a “yes” that’s followed by letting someone down, doing it resentfully, or the wheels coming off your wagon from overcommitment.
It doesn’t have to be like this. But that takes more than saying no well.
Know Your Priorities
Being good at saying “no” starts before anything’s asked of you. It takes clarity about your priorities. People who do this well, when asked if they can take something on, measure the request against things on which they’re already focused—cutting down on commitments, say, or spending more time with their kids, or advancing their career in some particular way.
And that shows them the right answer.
As I’ve written about before, you need clarity about what you want to do—and what you really don’t. (New here? That link’s to a story about a time I didn’t do this as well as I should have.)
Priorities help especially with those seductive things you’re asked to do that feel important or appealing, and that would perhaps flatter your ego or pad your wallet—but that you’d do at the expense of things that are even more important or appealing to your work or your life.
Set Personal Rules
Those who are good at this may safeguard their priorities with personal rules. A rule could be no weekend work, or that they aren’t going to take on management responsibilities, or no evening emails or meetings. (These rules shouldn’t be inflexible. Few rules can anticipate every eventuality. But flex one of your rules only after careful consideration, and on your own terms.)
Words that Work
How to say “no” becomes easier if you’re clear about your priorities. Be honest with yourself that it’s fine to decline—and why. If saying “yes” would be irresponsible, your “no” can be confident.
And when we say “no,” people are much less likely than we think they are1 to judge us negatively, to be offended, or to withhold future opportunities.
Vanessa Patrick, who’s written a whole book on saying “no,”2 suggests in a recent article in the Wall Street Journal (paywalled3) that, instead of saying “I can’t,” you say “I don’t”: communicate that your refusal comes from rules you’ve set for yourself, rules you intend to respect. “I don’t” may sound a little pompous in some circumstances, but there are situations it suits.
Don’t hedge. If you say “I don’t think I can manage that at the moment—maybe next time,” you’re offering at least three separate vulnerabilities to someone who doesn’t respect your position. Try, instead, “I’m sorry: I can’t” (or “I don’t”). Keep it simple.
If you want it to be non-negotiable, make that clear. There’s no conflict between confidence and courtesy: use both. And this is a context where all reasonable people understand that saying you’re sorry when you’re not is just common courtesy, that you’re letting them down gently when you say you can’t do something that, if you had no other priorities, you could do.
“I’m flattered you ask but I just can’t.” “I’m having to prioritize other things.” “Afraid I have too much on already.” “I’m trying to break my habit of overcommitting, and this would be an overcommitment.” “What a lovely idea: I’m sorry I can’t.” Some of these formulations contain explanations, so be cautious with them if your “no” isn’t open to discussion. Often, what’s best is a friendly but assured “No thanks” or “Sorry—I can’t.”
And then remind yourself that you’ve chosen respect for your work, your colleagues, and your life. And now focus on what matters most.
P.S. In case you missed it, here’s a short talk on three core Great Work ideas.
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That study’s about saying no to social events, but likely applies to work requests too.
Patrick, Vanessa. The Power of Saying No: The New Science of How to Say No that Puts You in Charge of Your Life. Sourcebooks, 2023. See also the Next Big Idea Club’s good summary.
Though, depending on where you live, membership of your local public library may give you access to a wide range of newspapers and magazines online.