Great Work / Are you the person no one wants to give feedback to?

You might be missing out on something wonderful.

Adam Sandell

Feb 22, 2025

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Do you make it easy for people to give you feedback?

If you don’t, you’re missing out. We’re trying to improve our tough working lives—and we all need to focus on different things. The people who are best able to help us identify our stuff—and perhaps point us toward solutions, too—are usually our colleagues.1 Most of them care about us, more than we may realize, and it’s often obvious to them how we sometimes work inefficiently, or what makes us stressed, or how we might handle certain situations better, or when it is that we inadvertently come across as prickly. These are all things that, if fixed, can transform your working life. Your colleagues’ feedback is precious—free, timely, and probably more useful than anyone else’s. You want this!

But many of us make it hard for people to give us feedback—often unintentionally. (And that means we won’t hear that we’re hard to give feedback to, too.) Here are some classic ways we unwittingly say no to this beautiful gift of feedback.

Biting Back

Confident-seeming people usually carry well-hidden insecurities. Some feel threatened by anything that sounds like criticism, especially when it contains a grain of truth. Because it feels like self-protection, they develop ways of shutting down even constructive feedback. And one of those is to bite back: sharp-tongued criticism of the person providing feedback, shooting the messenger, pulling rank, or making the atmosphere uncomfortable.

This may be the worst response because it’s unpleasant to be on the receiving end of it (on some level, that’s exactly what’s intended), and most of us hate conflict. If you do this, even once, those involved won’t forget, and may never offer you valuable feedback again. And that’s your loss.

It’s also, if you’re in a position of any responsibility, poor leadership.

Do you recognize anything here in yourself? If so, you’ll likely know where in your past—often childhood, or past injustices—it comes from. It’s probably become instinctive and instant. But, if you want to change your approach and are willing to make the effort, you can. It can be hard in the moment, so figure out a form of words for pressing pause until you cool down. “Thanks for that. It’s not easy to hear. I need to think about it some more, but I really appreciate you telling me.” And then sleep on it, probably for several nights, before you trust your judgment about what you can learn from it. (But do learn from it.)

If you realize you’ve already responded with teeth, you probably can still fix it. “You know when you said that thing to me about how I can come across as a bit prickly when someone disagrees with me? I wanted to say thank you. I don’t think I reacted very well in the moment, and I’m sorry about that—and sorry if I made it uncomfortable for you. But I did need to hear what you said, and I’m thinking about it, and I hope if you ever have more feedback for me, you’ll share it with me.”

Disagreeing

This is a gentler version of biting back. Unlike biting back, you don’t become hostile. You find and voice reasons why the constructive feedback is wrong, or unfair, or unimportant, instead of looking for the kernel of truth in it.

As well as missing out on the benefit of that gift, you’re signaling that you don’t want to hear anything other than that you’re great. Anyone who gets that signal will likely respect it, and not give you developmental feedback again. Your loss.

Of course, sometimes our initial reaction to unexpected feedback that we could have done something better may be to disagree, especially if it’s about something we’ve invested ourselves in. If that happens, it’s worth taking a breath. If, on reflection, your initial reaction wasn’t as grateful as it should have been, you can fix it, as above.

Distress

If you’re distressed by constructive feedback, it’s likely from the implication that you could have done something better. Perhaps, too, that you haven’t met your own impossibly high standards, or that others might think of you as less than perfect. These feelings come from good places—high standards and humility. But if constructive feedback crumples or overwhelms you, people will be reluctant to offer it for fear of upsetting you.

I’m not going to pretend this is an easy one to solve: if it’s you, you’re likely already well aware of the underlying insecurity, and perhaps of other problems it causes you. But, if you’re willing to make the effort, it can be fixed. The answer is to identify the negative and almost unconscious thoughts underlying the insecurity—often some variation of “I’m not good enough to do this job”—, to evaluate their accuracy (there is, to continue the example, likely a lot of evidence that you are more than good enough to be doing the job), and to hold onto and remind yourself of the more accurate version. This is at the heart of cognitive behavioral therapy, that most evidence-based of psychological approaches. I wrote more about this in an article on the imposter phenomenon.

Meanwhile, when you receive constructive feedback, it’s worth doing what you can to hold it together and convey your appreciation. This is good stuff you’re hearing, shared with you out of kindness. Show too much distress and you may not receive any more of these gifts.

Intimidation

Could others find you intimidating, however bizarre that may seem to you?

I feel no different from my inept twenty-three-year-old student self, muddling through and pretending I know what I’m doing. But that’s not always how others see me. Writing this, I realized that I’ve now been a doctor for the majority of my life. I’m usually the longest-qualified doctor in the tiny hospital where I work. And this whole topic is complicated by inequalities and power imbalances. To my colleagues, I’m an earnest, pedantic, middle-aged, grey-haired, white man (and probably much else). And, even when you’re someone who tries not to use these characteristics to exert power or be a dick, they’re characteristics that can create an imbalance. It’s always surprised me when I’ve realized that someone’s been a bit intimidated by me. But people sometimes are. And I’m sometimes intimidated by others, including by some who’d be astonished to know it.

This is all unintentional intimidation. Intentional intimidation is biting back, discussed above. But intention doesn’t matter if you want feedback: intimidation’s always a problem—and not just because it discourages feedback.

The solution? There are three. First, cultivate, in every interaction you have, humility, egalitarianism, and fun, especially with those with less power than you. Second, lay on the enthusiasm any time you get the slightest hint of constructive feedback: you need almost to overdo it, so people know how much you welcome it. And third, you may need to seek out feedback actively—on which, more in a future email.

Gratitude

This is the attitude to cultivate—the growth mindset that, rather than feeling threatened by feedback that may help you improve, welcomes it and enthusiastically takes it on board. It’ll make your working life better.

Here, word for word, is a reply from a colleague I’d emailed with gentle criticism. (I should, of course, have spoken to him, but that’s for another article.) “Hi Adam, fair points, thanks for the feedback. Can you provide examples of when I have done this in the past so I can perceive the pattern and correct it?” What a magnificent, wise response. It gave me something to aspire to.

I’ve written previously about giving developmental feedback. In a future article, I’ll write about actively seeking it out—which can be easier than handling it when it’s unsolicited.

What’s your experience of this? Reply, or …