I also stepped back from management to engineering after three disastrous years and was much happier at work for the next quarter century. Like you say "not all success is good". In fact, not all 'success' is good.
Thanks for the post Adam. I've also been through that painful process of realizing that a work position wasn't right, but not wanting to let people down or cause a fuss. I stuck it out way too long and got crashingly depressed, so it was such a huge relief to finally quit the role, and I've since learnt to make those decisions more quickly. It's sad watching loved ones in jobs, relationships, or other situations who are obviously stuck in that space of sunk cost and not wanting to risk change but are also miserable. It's always so exciting to watch the people I care about (and myself) make those hard decisions, and seeing them / myself thrive in the aftermath ("Wow, I didn't realize life could feel this not-shit!"). So I can imagine and appreciate the relief you must have experienced on making your move, and it was nice to read this article and be reminded that when changeable situations are costing more than they're benefitting us, we can do something about it. I can't remember who said this: "Until the pain of making the change becomes more than the pain of staying the same - then things will remain the same."
One of the things I enjoy from time to time with a very elderly patient is to ask them how it feels looking back on their lives. Often they say they wished they'd taken more risks. Never heard anyone say they wished they'd taken fewer (other than the stupid ones, like smoking).
I love this post so much. I love seeing patients, especially in the multi-disciplinary clinics I have twice a month. Clinic makes me happy, it feels like a fun train I hop on in the morning and get off of in the evening (I felt this way about peds ER shifts in residency as well). Clinic has gotten me through bad news, days where I was waiting for scary pregnancy related test results, and clinic was where I was when I found out I had cancer and my doctor friends were there to hold my hand. I love clinic, full stop. But I have learned that I can’t do it every day of the week and be the mom, friend, wife, sister, writer, etc that I want to be. I also can’t balance it well with academic expectations. A few years ago I resigned from my faculty position and am now medical staff with a much decreased clinical load, making income in other non clinical ways. This is not a path others in my department have taken, and it’s certainly not one of prestige, but it has allowed me the ability to say again that I love clinic, full stop, because it’s no longer burning me out. Clinic will also be my home, more than anywhere I have ever lived, and I find that home much more welcoming when I am holding the reigns in terms of what I do there.
Thank you for this post and for the space to share these sorts of thoughts.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Bridget. It sounds as though you and I have had very similar experiences. And I hear this from so many people doing work they care about.
Really appreciate your telling your own story here. It reinforces my own confidence when I make an unorthodox decision to focus on what's really important to me.
I found myself nodding yes throughout this while listening. Recently I decided to withdraw from my Masters program because it was pulling me away from my what truly matters to me and only bringing more stress into my life. And I also realized I was doing it for the wrong reasons - money, vanity, status. Someday it may work out for me to continue but if it doesn’t, that’s ok too. Thanks for the great reminder as to why we should take the time to listen and contemplate before committing to something.
Good on you, when you realised *after* starting that this wasn't right for you, for not falling for the sunk costs fallacy. Listening and contemplation matter even after committing to something.
Adam, my youngest son went through this recently. He's a motion designer, putting the magic into commercials. He's also a good leader type. The company offered him a management position and gave him a good taste of it when the boss went on vacation. He struggled turning down the money and the validation, but ended up turning it down. He loves designing. He offers to "help" when the boss is gone but not on a permanent basis. He knows he made the right decision.
I agree. Again. This reminds me of my mantra ‘do less, get more’. It’s probably not fair to call it ‘my’ mantra since it’s the title of a book someone wrote a few years ago. I never read the book, I just happened upon it while (uncharacteristically) watching daytime tv. The author was plugging it, and what he said, like what you say, made perfect sense. I felt that I really embraced the theme of his book, by not buying it and never reading it!
Aside: My wife points out that while I like to consider myself as someone who does less (to get more) I also never stop and rarely sit down. Which I think is the unsaid part of your post, that when you say no to things you say yes to other (more worthwhile) things.
Thanks so much for this comment, Shawn. I agree! And you've made a link that I should make more of in my book between the idea above and another piece I wrote called "Get more done, and do better work, by working less hard" (https://letter.adamsandell.com/p/get-more-done-and-do-better-work). And a third piece, not yet published, about skilfully saying no.
All of which may sound more negative than it should. It's about ensuring you spend your time doing things that are truly meaningful.
I also stepped back from management to engineering after three disastrous years and was much happier at work for the next quarter century. Like you say "not all success is good". In fact, not all 'success' is good.
Thanks for the post Adam. I've also been through that painful process of realizing that a work position wasn't right, but not wanting to let people down or cause a fuss. I stuck it out way too long and got crashingly depressed, so it was such a huge relief to finally quit the role, and I've since learnt to make those decisions more quickly. It's sad watching loved ones in jobs, relationships, or other situations who are obviously stuck in that space of sunk cost and not wanting to risk change but are also miserable. It's always so exciting to watch the people I care about (and myself) make those hard decisions, and seeing them / myself thrive in the aftermath ("Wow, I didn't realize life could feel this not-shit!"). So I can imagine and appreciate the relief you must have experienced on making your move, and it was nice to read this article and be reminded that when changeable situations are costing more than they're benefitting us, we can do something about it. I can't remember who said this: "Until the pain of making the change becomes more than the pain of staying the same - then things will remain the same."
One of the things I enjoy from time to time with a very elderly patient is to ask them how it feels looking back on their lives. Often they say they wished they'd taken more risks. Never heard anyone say they wished they'd taken fewer (other than the stupid ones, like smoking).
Tony Robbins I think.
Thanks so much for this beautiful response.
I love this post so much. I love seeing patients, especially in the multi-disciplinary clinics I have twice a month. Clinic makes me happy, it feels like a fun train I hop on in the morning and get off of in the evening (I felt this way about peds ER shifts in residency as well). Clinic has gotten me through bad news, days where I was waiting for scary pregnancy related test results, and clinic was where I was when I found out I had cancer and my doctor friends were there to hold my hand. I love clinic, full stop. But I have learned that I can’t do it every day of the week and be the mom, friend, wife, sister, writer, etc that I want to be. I also can’t balance it well with academic expectations. A few years ago I resigned from my faculty position and am now medical staff with a much decreased clinical load, making income in other non clinical ways. This is not a path others in my department have taken, and it’s certainly not one of prestige, but it has allowed me the ability to say again that I love clinic, full stop, because it’s no longer burning me out. Clinic will also be my home, more than anywhere I have ever lived, and I find that home much more welcoming when I am holding the reigns in terms of what I do there.
Thank you for this post and for the space to share these sorts of thoughts.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Bridget. It sounds as though you and I have had very similar experiences. And I hear this from so many people doing work they care about.
Really appreciate your telling your own story here. It reinforces my own confidence when I make an unorthodox decision to focus on what's really important to me.
I found myself nodding yes throughout this while listening. Recently I decided to withdraw from my Masters program because it was pulling me away from my what truly matters to me and only bringing more stress into my life. And I also realized I was doing it for the wrong reasons - money, vanity, status. Someday it may work out for me to continue but if it doesn’t, that’s ok too. Thanks for the great reminder as to why we should take the time to listen and contemplate before committing to something.
Good on you, when you realised *after* starting that this wasn't right for you, for not falling for the sunk costs fallacy. Listening and contemplation matter even after committing to something.
Decisions made like this we almost never regret.
Thanks for sharing this.
Adam, my youngest son went through this recently. He's a motion designer, putting the magic into commercials. He's also a good leader type. The company offered him a management position and gave him a good taste of it when the boss went on vacation. He struggled turning down the money and the validation, but ended up turning it down. He loves designing. He offers to "help" when the boss is gone but not on a permanent basis. He knows he made the right decision.
Thanks so much for sharing this, Linda. I have much respect for your youngest son. Sounds like he picked a good mother, too.
Thanks, Adam!
I agree. Again. This reminds me of my mantra ‘do less, get more’. It’s probably not fair to call it ‘my’ mantra since it’s the title of a book someone wrote a few years ago. I never read the book, I just happened upon it while (uncharacteristically) watching daytime tv. The author was plugging it, and what he said, like what you say, made perfect sense. I felt that I really embraced the theme of his book, by not buying it and never reading it!
Aside: My wife points out that while I like to consider myself as someone who does less (to get more) I also never stop and rarely sit down. Which I think is the unsaid part of your post, that when you say no to things you say yes to other (more worthwhile) things.
Shawn
Thanks so much for this comment, Shawn. I agree! And you've made a link that I should make more of in my book between the idea above and another piece I wrote called "Get more done, and do better work, by working less hard" (https://letter.adamsandell.com/p/get-more-done-and-do-better-work). And a third piece, not yet published, about skilfully saying no.
All of which may sound more negative than it should. It's about ensuring you spend your time doing things that are truly meaningful.